[I recently bought several packs of film- and tv-related trading cards: everything from Growing Pains to Maverick. I plan to open one pack a week and document every card, sticker, and stick of gum I find. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll discover a hologram or two.]

Title: Jaws 3-DPublisher: ToppsYear: 1983Details: 6 Cards || 1 Viewed || 1 Stick Bubble Gum

Full disclosure up front: I haven't seen Jaws 3-D. For that matter, I haven't seen Jaws 2, and thought Jaws 1 was just ok the one time I saw it. So, depending on your point of view, I'm either the worst or best person to review a pack of Jaws 3-D trading cards. Given that I have no idea what the plot of Jaws 3-D is, I figured I'd just post the cards in chronological order and tell you what I think the movie is about.[caption id="attachment_2128" align="aligncenter" width="700" caption="A Topps 44-Card Series - In 3D: The cast of "Jaws 3-D", a terrifying entry in the popular series that boasts dimensional photography and unique special effects."][/caption]Ok. A diverse group of water enthusiasts. Other than the dude with a beret, a pretty normal-looking sea-side-living bunch.[caption id="attachment_2129" align="aligncenter" width="700" caption="Bloody Remains! Kathryn Morgan offers a snack to her friend, the killer whale Shamu."][/caption]Hmm. Ok. Didn't expect to see Shamu. Does part of this movie take place at Sea World?[caption id="attachment_2130" align="aligncenter" width="700" caption="The New Peril! Kathryn Morgan is shocked to learn that the shark has been transferred to a different tank and may not survive."][/caption]Well... there's another shot that seems to be set in Sea World. That's strange. Surely the entire movie isn't water-theme-park based.Also, I'm pretty sure I can see that dude in the blue gym short's right ball.[caption id="attachment_2131" align="aligncenter" width="700" caption="Seeking Human Prey! The horribly mangled body of Shelby Overman is discovered and a startling discovery is made: there's another, even larger shark in the vicinity!"][/caption]Poor Shelby Overman! Was his (her?) body discovered under that sheet? Pretty convenient for the survivors, though I don't see how that could possibly be blamed on a shark. There are sharks in this movie, right?Oh, wait... there's a shark reference. Apparently there's an "even larger shark in the vicinity." Which I presume means the vicinity of Sea World. Not sure how that's even possible.[caption id="attachment_2132" align="aligncenter" width="700" caption="Madness and Mayhem! Innocent water skiers are oblivious to the presence of the monster shark..!"][/caption]Really? REALLY? This movie has a Shark vs. Synchronized Lady Water Skiers scene? Was it a parody? What kind of person would let a shark into Sea World in the first place?[caption id="attachment_2134" align="aligncenter" width="700" caption="Diverting the Monster! Calvin Bouchard has accidentally allowed the killer shark to enter Sea World!"][/caption]Oh. A Calvin Bouchard type of person. That jerk.So after seeing six still images from Jaws 3-D I am thoroughly confused. Partially about the film's plot, and mostly about how I could have made it 25+ years without knowing that Jaws 3-D was set IN A SEA WORLD! That's a major cinematic knowledge gap. Thanks for filling it, Topps!PS: The promised 3-D Viewer? Completely missing from my pack. Who do I call for a refund?

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